My Carmelite calling begins
‘My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my saviour’ (Luke 1: 46-47)
I have a little understanding as to how life’s difficulties and challenges can sometimes make one want to sing with Mary. These precious opening lines are from the Magnificat, and yet this has been my experience over the last couple of years. Maybe it’s in our vulnerabilities that we often feel God’s presence most. My thoughts are drawn to St Paul: ‘It is in our weakness that I am made strong.’ (2 Corinthians 12: 9–10)
I very much hope to describe in the following article how much joy I have experienced, and how many blessings I have received, since I was given a serious, chronic health diagnosis in June 2024. To put this into context, my first awareness of a reciprocal love of Mary was when, aged seven, our parish paid for mum and I to go to Lourdes with the diocesan pilgrimage. My epilepsy was not controlled despite numerous hospital admissions, which was a real quandary to the medical staff and a cause of much worry and stress to my family. For myself, it meant having many treats, and as a child with eight siblings my ‘doodle-dallies’ didn’t cause me much bother.
But I loved Lourdes and, even more, I fell in love with Mary – my mum had to drag me away from the Grotto with various bribes or promises of French treats. Little did I know then that there was a Carmelite Convent very close to the Grotto, founded on 16 July 1876 – eighteen years after the apparitions of Our Blessed Lady to Bernadette Soubirous and on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel.
Soon after we returned home the medics hit upon the right medication to control my seizures. I have returned to Lourdes another seven times, both as a teenager and a few years ago with my husband, still unaware of the Carmelite convent. It would be a source of great joy to me if my health allowed us to return once more and visit the Carmelites!
I have for as long as I can remember had an ‘interesting’ health history. As well as being diagnosed with epilepsy from the age of four, I had shingles affecting the brain, which led to a stroke at the age of thirty–two. This left me with some mobility challenges and issues with severe fatigue that would have made attending the usual physical Carmelite Community meetings at best difficult and, at worst, unsafe.
My early days as a Carmelite
So, it was with joy and appropriate trepidation that I began my Formation in 2020, with a wonderful Carmelite of many years, Catherine Rowan. I celebrated my First Promise in my local parish church in 2022 and felt at last that I had ‘come home’! It was a hugely joyous occasion, celebrated on the day that the church celebrated the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Alongside Fr Kelvin Ekhoegbe who was at Boars Hill at the time, this allowed me to be a witness to the Carmelite Order and all we stand for within my parish community.
With our mini-community (just my Formator and I) I settled into living out my Carmelite vocation. I had a number of Carmelite friends and engaged in many Zoom talks and courses. I could not get enough of learning about Carmelite saints and Holy Men and Women – St Teresa of Avila with her ‘say it as it is’ style and light-hearted humour, and St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein) with her passion for the Cross of Christ, being two of my favourites.
My Formator had followed the five Ms in her own formation (Mary, Mass, Meditation, Mission and Morning Prayer). This gave structure to a life where this was often lacking, due to my health challenges.
I am fortunate to live very close to a lively parish which offered regular weekday Masses, enabling easy attendance. Medically retiring from work a number of years ago allowed me to have the time for prayer – contemplative prayer and the Daily Office. As my ‘Mission’ I was a eucharistic minister taking Holy Communion to a couple of the parish housebound. I also enjoyed being part of the hospital chaplaincy team. All of this missionary work was done under the loving gaze of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, whom I was drawing ever closer to.
Although my husband, John, is not a Carmelite Secular, he does have a Carmelite friar as his spiritual director, which has enabled us to engage in Carmelite conversations and lively spiritual discussions! Regarding my own spiritual director, I have a wonderful Holy Child Sister. As she is not living locally, we have monthly sessions remotely and have just celebrated our tenth year of working together!
Because I am unable to access retreats away, John and I have engaged in several eight-day silent retreats at home (John often wishes this silence was for longer!). We have separate Guides whom we meet each day via Zoom and maintain silence as much as we can within our home environment. Neighbours and friends are curious as to how and why we keep silent for as long as we do! We try to be prayerful witnesses within our parish community, friends and those we meet.
The Face of Christ…
However, my ‘safe’, regular and rhythmic life as a Carmelite Secular came to an abrupt end when in June 2024 I was diagnosed with a serious, chronic neuro-spinal condition.
This necessitated approximately sixty hospital appointments over the next twenty months, several admissions and numerous surgeries. I was also housebound for sixteen months (except when being transferred to a number of different hospitals). All this has resulted in a life of great uncertainty. And yet I did know with great certainty that Jesus walked alongside me. How did I know this? Because each day I was given an abundance of grace to manage, with John’s help, (my hugely generous husband and live-in nurse) to embrace this new life.
Teresa of Avila often tells us that mental prayer is a friendly chat with Jesus.[1] (L 8:5). I also experienced at this time of great vulnerability a new friendship with God through encounters with many others and all the joys, reassurances and blessings they gave me. This has become my daily prayer which never fails to give me an experience of God. I was overwhelmed with joy each day as I saw the face of Christ, the angels that he gave me in the medical staff, ambulance transport personnel, various delivery workers and many, many more.
A New Dimension of Prayer
When I feel completely impotent in the face of uncertainty, when I find mental prayer too difficult due to pain or exhaustion, I experience another form of prayer. When our parish priest, who was also the hospital chaplain, visited me in hospital with the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, I expressed concern that I couldn’t pray. He gently challenged me and asked, ‘And what do you think you are doing now?’ This was definitely a pivotal moment and through it I perceived God speaking very clearly with love, through the Holy Spirit.
John and I are blessed with our time. Being medically retired, we light a candle before breakfast and pray for our own intentions and those of others (including others’ requests). Conversely, part of our night prayer is always one of thanksgiving. We thank God for all he has given us and we name the people who have given us these blessings, or when we have simply been aware of his presence. Our prayers of thanksgiving always last the longest of all our prayers!
The greatest of the many blessings I received was in March 2025. Fr Matt and our parish priest concelebrated Mass in our home, and with John and Annette Goulden present, I made my Definitive Promise — I was filled with complete joy.
My mission continues to be to pray in all the many ways God enables me to and to evangelise. In meeting so many people, particularly attending many medical appointments, it is not difficult to describe and explain who has given me such a sense of joy and peace.
A surgeon asked me at one of my appointments what kept me so positive and hopeful. I explained that it was my faith. With other professionals in the room, God gave me the opportunity to explain further. It was received positively and John and I have found that generally people are pleased to know they are being prayed for – one junior doctor became tearful and expressed great joy. It has amazed me how God has given me courage to evangelise quietly and sensitively from my hospital bed.
An Unseen Member Who Fully Belongs
Despite being unable to attend meetings and retreats in person, I am made to feel very much a member of the Rock Ferry – Flower of Carmel community. I haven’t met any of the members, except my former Formator and very dear ‘spiritual friend’ (to quote St Teresa) Catherine Rowan.
I attend meetings in spirit and prayer throughout the day with them and during the retreats also. I follow the same readings and work, and I feel very connected to others by exchanging emails and receiving the minutes and all that’s being shared. The support of the community, especially by their prayers, is hugely appreciated, particularly in challenging times, and I rejoice in being a valued member of such a lively and prayerful group. Thank you, fellow Carmelites.
Catherine and I continue to meet remotely once a month, where we talk about the spiritual books we are reading and discuss worksheets the community is working through. We also pray together and socialise. Time spent with another Carmelite feels both sacred and joyful.
The Journey Continues…
The picture to the right shows where I am drawn amidst all my uncertainties
Perhaps the title of this article should be: ‘Trying to Live the Promise’? Without meaning to be presumptuous, isn’t this what we all do — ‘try’ to live our promise within the life we lead and where we find our life has taken us, with its many joys and blessings and its individual challenges and uncertainties.
I have found myself drawn ever closer to the Lord, not despite these challenges and uncertainties but because of them. I have discovered that life is transient, all aspects of life change — except God. As St Teresa’s bookmark says: ‘Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you, all things are passing away: God never changes.’
I rejoice that we have such Carmelite saints who show us whom to go to amidst great uncertainty; a favourite of mine being St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein). Also, I am filled with immense gratitude to my Carmelite family and John for entering into these uncertainties with me.
Although the future continues to be unclear, I have a grace-filled life. Over the last couple of years, I have learnt that we have to cooperate with grace in whatever manner the Lord asks of each of us. As a dear friend said to me recently ‘You have to buy a ticket to win!’
The final words must go to Mary, the Patroness of our Order and a perfect model of trust: ‘The Lord has done marvels for me, Holy is his name’ (Luke 1:49).
[1] Cf. L = The Book of Her Life in The Collected Works of St. Teresa of Avila. Vol. 1. Kieran Kavanaugh, O.C.D. and Otilio Rodriguez, O.C.D. transls. (Washington, D.C.: ICS Publications, 1987), p. 96.
